HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, MY J.

Hola Julie! So it seems that this semester has been harder than ever to stay in touch. Which is fine, except that I can't not talk to you on your 20th birthday!!! Happy birthday, first off! You as old as me! I know your friends at UCLA are taking good care of you, so you can tell me what you did on your birthday when we see each other next.

Anyways, so I thought I would blog about the biggest thing that has happened to me this semester so that we stay connected about the important stuff. As you probably know, Mr. L passed away about two weeks ago. These past two weeks have been filled with thorough contemplation of what he meant to me so that I live assured that I did not waste my opportunity to learn from him. I want to share these thoughts with you.

In his efforts to get us to reach excellence, Mr. L really taught me how to recognize and appreciate beauty. Over these past years, I have been able to not only appreciate the beauty of quality musical expression (probably because I have learned how hard it truly is to get to that level of musical expression and the emotional investments that go into it), but I see beauty in everyday actions as well. The beauty that lies in watching fellow human beings treat each other with respect, be responsible to each other, and go out of their way to help each other out.

All this time, I thought conditioning students to pick up trash in the band room, stay after rehearsal to put everyone else's uniforms away, or be able to perform all your parts with proficiency was simply a ploy to get a mediocre 6A band to become champions. But I would like to think that all these manipulations to student behavior were, instead, a plan to get mediocre students to become outstanding human beings. Now I realize how beautiful a culture he created among his students to be responsible to each other. To raise students who understand the importance of taking care of their fellow human beings is a tremendous feat in today's world. It's a lesson that not many have the honor of learning.

To me, Mr. L was a man that wasn't afraid of working hard, a man that lived with pride and dignity every second of his life, and a man that never thought, even for a moment, that perfection was an unattainable goal. Thank you, Mr. L, I have learned a lot.

Anyways, I hope to talk to you soon, Julie Chen! Happy Birthday! We'll celebrate when I get back! Miss you!

I don't need this right now.

Who I am is not who I want to be. I advocate transcendentalism. I admire Rousseau, Voltaire. I rave about optimism and always try to make people happy. I like motivating quotes. I like being a romantic, yet I am very realistic. I weigh the costs and benefits of everything. I analyze every little detail, action, word. (This may be the only thing about me that connects me to the accounting/business world.) I think a lot. I think too much. I seem so sure of my beliefs and opinions at times that I forget that I don't carry it out in my everyday life. Or do I? Maybe I am just second-guessing myself because of something that someone said. But that in itself shows a lack of certainty. "You are pessimistic. You are not confident." 

Have I skewed so far away from what I thought I was to have people think this about me?

I'm stubborn. I get jealous easily. I like being comfortable. I reason out everything. I let other people affect me too much. I don't like to be wrong. I don't like being told what to do. I don't like being told who to be. I like my space.

Sometimes I'm too idealistic. Not everything has to be perfect.

I don't need this right now. 

premier jour

Although I was excited to fly to another country (by myself!), I quickly realized how scary it is to travel alone in France -- without knowing any French. This realization came quicker than expected. I was surrounded by French-speaking people, as soon as I got onto the plane. (Who knew Air Tahiti had so many Frenchies!) I felt very alone on the plane ride and didn’t talk to anybody, because I felt like a retard who didn’t understand what anyone was saying. I survived the flight, however, distracting myself with ’17 Again’ and “He’s Just Not That Into You.’

 

The first thing I noticed about France was how questionable their customs/security system is. They let anyone who appears to have a passport into their nation—no questions asked. I was expecting to be interrogated or at least fill out a form, but I was quickly shuffled through into baggage claim. The French people at the airport were kinda rude. Everyone seemed to be very pushy and had no sense of personal space. However, when I got to Paris, everyone seemed to be friendly and helpful. (You know…. Besides those people that harass you for money.) It took me a long time to find my hotel, and I had to lug all my bags for what seemed like a million blocks. Our hotel is very nice though. It is like an apartment, equipped with kitchen and everything. We are about 3 blocks away from Notre Dame and a minute away from crazy shopping and nightlife.

 

I was pretty lonely the first few hours here, because I didn’t know where everyone in my program was… So I explored a bit by myself, and it was exhilarating. I feel so independent being alone in a new place. I went back to the hotel after buying a sandwich and took the best nap of my life. I woke up to my roommate’s arrival. Her name is Kristin and is incredibly cool. We are very similar—or at least compatible. She shares my passion for bike rides, souvenirs, event planning, coffee, and cheap things! (I am proud to say that she may be cheaper than I am.) I’m really glad to have her as a roommate. She speaks a little French, so she helps me order and buy things! Kristin’s only downside is that she doesn’t like junk food (!!!) and she loves country music. There’s an espresso machine in the lobby, and we get a cup every time we pass by. I’ve had 4 coffees already!! Wooooooooooo!

 

We were going to go out to a bar/restaurant tonight (because it looks so fun here…. Live music! Strobe lights! 8 hours of happy hour! Crazy guy in a mask outside telling us to dance!), but we got tired and were just gonna buy wine from the supermarket to celebrate our first night. But that failed, because they stopped selling alcohol at 10:30 PM…. So went back to the hotel and got more coffee!

 

But anyways, even though we didn’t do much today… I love Paris. There is so much going on and I really love the Bohemian lifestyle. The only thing I am bummed about is that I don’t have a VISA or Mastercard. All I have is my lousy Discover and debit card, so I may have to keep exchanging for Euros. I wish I had thought about this more before. Discover is barely accepted in America… why would Europeans take it?? That’s all for now. Tomorrow is our first day of class and I’m excited to meet everyone else. I’m getting hungry…..

I Just Wanted a Sandwich

Looking back on this year, although I am really not in the position to do so yet, as I have taken 0/3 finals, I am grateful for all of the realizations I have made. Today, I am proud to say, presented me with another opportunity to develop and refine my thoughts on life. My past few epiphanies have seriously changed the way I look at things and the way that I want to act and, really, the person that I want to become. So I really cherish these moments.

So back to today, I woke up early, yet again, on a dead day and wasted a potential sleep-filled morning doing reimbursements for the Grants Department. Upon finishing 7-8 reimbursements (i'm a frikkin rockstar at doing those now. If you ever hear of a paperwork competition, Julie, please sign me up.), I decided to walk across the street to Subway and get a $5, a $5, a $5 Footlooong! Spicy Italian sandwich. (Subway marketing at its best there.) So as I near the cashier to pay for my sandwich, I gaze over at the sandwich sliding next to mine ready to be wrapped and decide to take a good look at the person who compiled that too-healthy looking dinky 6'' sub. To my surprise, I realize that I am standing next to Jack Wang, the first real crush I ever had. Immediately, I punch him in the arm (which was pretty muscular, I might add) and yell his name. I haven't seen this guy in close to 4 years! We talk for the couple of minutes it takes for the cashier to get to his station and collect my money. In turns out, as I congratulated him, that Jack was going to graduate in a week and go to UCLA for grad school in mechanical engineering. We exchange goodbyes and I proceed to return to the office. At the precise time I cross the street back to my office, it hits me. A realization about how fluid life is.

I had just seen one of the most influential people of my life. This guy inspired me to become one of the toughest, some might say Nazi-like, leaders in band and to emulate a sense of collected coolness that I have yet to see in anyone else. He was a freaking bad ass, crazy grades, talent in music and sports, funny, and admiringly tough. (He drove himself to the hospital after popping his lung from running too fast!) To this day, I can recall every single reason I had the hugest crush on this guy. Anyways, back to the point. (I seem to have created a small pool of drool on the table. ) It was just so weird to see Jack outside of the environment I associate my memories of him with. I used to see him, literally, every day during rehearsal and weekend competitions and, now, I see him, four years later, at a Subway on the southside of Berkeley. Which made me think, is life just composed of a series of these weird, surreal moments?

I don't know where life will take me, but in a couple of years, when I have grown apart from the people that are so integral to my life now, will I experience the same feeling if I randomly bumped into one of them? I guess what I am really getting at is how crazy life becomes. I mean we grow really close to people that are immediate to us and, for a couple of years, they are the most important thing. But what happens when life takes its course and we grow apart? Are the memories of our prior closeness going to be all that is left? Will it ever be possible that we interact in the EXACT same way? I have, thus, realized how precious my relationships, at this exact time and space, are. Time is fleeting and things are going to change, so I should take advantage and stop holding back.

Today, I just wanted a sandwich and, instead, I got an entire serving of those mind-blowing realizations to go along with it. Not bad for five bucks, huh?

"Nothing great in this world has ever been accomplished without passion."

I've realized that I've neglected this blog for quite a bit of time. My life has been so busy recently that I simply can't remember these little things. My moleskin planner is being overfilled with notes and plans, so I have to insert many post-its to keep my life organized. I'm finally getting to the point where I am taking on too much. Am I suffering? Not in any sense, but for the fact that my grades are taking the hit. And this upsets me.... but I guess grades are NOT the most important thing to me. I like taking part in things that matter. Things that are applicable to the real world. Things that I am passionate about. Of course, I am always going to try hard in school. But, lately, I've just felt so busy with everything...

With Bruin Business Review, Yearbook, Daily Bruin, Dragon Boat, my "side job," and Unicamp. I never get a moment of rest. I miss being bored. I used to be the type of person that ALWAYS has to do something. But now, I just want to relax all the time. Unfortunately, I put my obligations before my school work... which I KNOW.... I shouldn't do. But I just don't like letting people down. People are counting on me to get the job done and to do it well. I guess that's the type of person I really am. 

I just got back from our last race of the year at Paragon Point. And there were so many expectations going into the race. The only SoCal team there. Undefeated season. Last race for the seniors. PERFECT YEAR. In the end we came up short. Our first race of the day just so happened to be the College FINALS. That means, no seeding heats or semifinals to warm us up. No paddling time for a crew that has NEVER practiced together. No time to get used to the different NorCal boats or loosen up our muscles. That race was HORRIBLE. Probably the worst race we've ever done in the history of dragon boat. In the history of racing! We came in 2nd to a high school team (albeit a very GOOD high school team.... but still.) That was it. A very quick and sad end to our "perfect season." But we picked it up for our later races. We were the only crew with girls to make it into the "Men's Finals Race." We were up against some of the biggest guys you could imagine. (With some of the biggest muscles you could imagine.) We came in 3rd, losing by less than half a second. I was happy because it was a very good race. I was proud because when we came off the boat, all the spectators and paddlers watching were so amazed at the fact that we had girls on the boat. That's right. UCLA DRAGON BOAT-- As strong as a boat full of men. There's so much I can say about that day, but I will stop here, before I continue to babble on. It was fun. The emotions, passion, tears, and pain. All the time Dragon Boat takes up? WELL worth it. I just hope that one day I can show you why UCLA Dragon Boat is so special to me. 

As summer is getting closer, I am starting to think about what I'm going to be doing. And what this means for my future. I am going to France in August to take accounting classes. Before and after that I may have a Public Relations internship. I say "may" because I have not informed the company that I will have to miss an additional 2 weeks-- for Unicamp and Summer leadership conferences for Deloitte and Pricewaterhouse Coopers. That's right. I got into the leadership conferences. That means they like me. That means accounting is still an option for me, despite my sub-par grades. That means I need to get my grades up. That means, I need to start thinking if this is something I really want to do. Truthfully, I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself in the future... and it scares me that I'm not as worried as I should be.

Well, when I started this blog, I thought I was going to talk about one thing. Then I just ended up just talking about Dragon Boat. And now I have forgotten what I was originally going to say. I guess I'll just have to blog again soon when it comes to me. I shall blog more frequently from now on. It is difficult to sound as formal and verbose as you though. Your words are not vomit to me. At least you're not the one writing whatever comes into your head. Conclusion from all my rambling? Passion-- nothing is worth doing without it. Even if it may take a while to find it. 

Innately Foreign

So after trying to re-fall asleep in the loft today at 11:30 this morning (I ran up to the loft with my blankets and locked the door so as to escape Becky's purposefully annoying singing of Chop Suey's infamous 'Wake up! something something make-up' line), I realize that I am 20 years old. SHIEETT! Despite being 20 years old for about two months now, it was not until today that I FULLY realized what being 20 years old entails. (Sidenote: I swear I have some sort of disability when it comes to expressing my thoughts. They are so eloquently woven in my interior monologues, but come out as verbal vomit when I try to tell other people. Another realization I had today. Oy.)

Never before has life seemed to short to me. There are so many things in this world, I realize, that I want to experience, savor, and become, that I want to just get out there and do something. I haven't felt passionate in so long and, in that respect, I don't like what I have become. How did I ever let myself get complacent with a passionless life?!

Perhaps this mode of thinking has been incited by a recent rewatching of Dead Poets Society and the attractiveness of Henry Thoreau's quote, "I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived,"but all I can say for sure is that this feeling is real. I want to live, I want to live, I want to live. That's all I can really say about my dilemma right now and as accurately as I can capture it.

To my future self:

Live passionately, love intensely, and enjoy.

Do It With a Smile

After an intense session of finally facing the reality of being separated from the people that I love, watching invincible relationships slowly torn apart piece by piece, and dealing with the undeniable fact that everyone is hurting for their own reasons, I had a nice cry in the shower and wanted to come back to the blog that helped me so lovingly through the crisis I had last week. Gosh, I seriously need to stop being so dramatic and needy. I promise I'll stop. Tomorrow, though. Let me just have this night.

So our house just had the big "House Meeting" and, needless to say, this week is going to be a tough one. Despite the three midterms I have this week, which I could hardly care for right now, the biggest challenge will be accepting this new reality and be able to still carry out what I have wanted since September, enjoy my second year in college with the people I love. Unfortunately, at this point, I can only see things through a lens of resentment and, actually, a thin film of tear. So where do I go from here?

Today I lied through my teeth. I lied to one of my best friends at Berkeley and told him that our friendship would be the same despite not living together. The thing is, it would be better for him to live with the other group, the living situation would just be better for him. Realistically, though, it's not going to be the same. The relationships are never going to be the same. I don't care what anyone tells me, life happens, things change and sometimes it's just out of your control. So I guess I just let life happen.

There are only 7-8 more weeks of school left in this semester and I really want to be able to enjoy the lucky life that I now realize I have and take hold of the rare opportunity of living with the 11 crazy awesome floormates I started this journey with. This next week I'm gonna learn how to swallow my pride and teach myself to take things for what they are. I'll enjoy the rest of this year, continue making unforgettable college memories, and strengthen the relationships that still belong to me until the end of the semester. No doubt the impending future of separation will constantly be in the back of my mind, everything we do will always have a hint of bittersweetness to it, and my heart will secretly ache everytime we have a great time together. But I'll do it all. I'll do it all willingly, gratefully and, most importantly, I'll do it all with a smile because, at this point, that's all that I can do and all that I really want to do.

Naivety Killed the Cat

So my best friend once told me writing on this blog is therapeutic in times of craziness. So I come to this form of expression out of fear, anxiety, and, most importantly, out of desperation. I don't know what to do, so, dear blog, please work your magic.

I am naive. I am stupidly, mind-numbingly, fucking naïve.

Funny, seeing as though I used to, and still do, pity those who aren't in touch with the world. I suppose I pity myself now, then.

In the midst of an awesome day in Berkeley, I realize that I have been too naive here. I realize that the relationships I have held so dear to my heart here at Berkeley are not what I thought they were. Perhaps it is partly my fault. I shy away from verbalizing the most important things on my mind because it is foreign to me, but now I realize this is the biggest mistake I could make in life.

I guess it was when Nicole told me about the housing situation that it hit me, like my ineptly controlled Mr. Fox character in Super Smash Brothers when I play the computer on level 10. The people I have known so well in college and, dare I say, have become my life at Berkeley do not have me in their plans for the future. MY FLOORMATES from the invincible 6th Floor of Deutsch are making plans without me.

I was naive to think that we didn't hang out this year because of how far we lived from school or because of our commitments to school or because we were bettering ourselves in other ways or because of one of the other million reasons I made up and defended avidly. But the simple truth is here: we just aren't happy together anymore. Why I keep lying to myself, I don't know. It's easier, I suppose. It's easier to think that once Cary doesn't have her Circle K meetings anymore we'll instantaneously resume our friendship where it left off. It's easier to think that if we wanted to, at any moment, we could all be friends like we used to. But life doesn’t work that way. It’s time to wake up and accept that the Matrix is just an illusion.

Naivety killed the cat. I just hope that saying about them having 9 lives is true.

dear other half,

it is nearing your day of birth... And to celebrate this momentous occasion, I will blog about more personal matters (and ignore the fact that you NEVER use this thing, despite being so enthusiastic in the beginning!) ...

So, as anyone who truly mattered to me would know, I had a not-so-great-day this past Sunday. Dragon Boat, which sometimes seems to define my life, has a race in a few weeks in Tempe, Arizona. We're only sending one crew, so not everyone is going... With this new Tempe crew comes a new vibe and a new lineup. I got moved to the front of the boat, (aka "the timing box") due to the loss of our more experienced timing box-ers. It was a privilege the first few practices, but it's incredibly intimidating and nerve-wracking because I'm known to have horrible timing and strange technique (which is not ideal for the section of the boat that sets the pace and standard for the rest of the boat). But I worked hard... and I thought I was improving... until this past Sunday, which may have been the WORST practice I've ever had. I was criticized throughout the practice by several people. I got called out for being so off time that I threw off paddlers behind me. It was the worst feeling in the world. Partially because I was so frustrated that I couldn't fix what I was doing. Partially because I felt like I was letting down an entire boat of 20 people. Partially because we have a race in a few weeks and I felt like I shouldn't be a part of it. And I cried. And I cried. I hate that I have so little control over my emotions. I tried to make it so as little people saw me cry as possible. I tried to think of happy thoughts. I thought of Coco, Disneyworld.... but only now do I realize I should have thought about my best friend laughing at me for getting a detention over a missing reader's digest. The problem isn't about paddling anymore. I'm pretty sure I've had a solution to my "timing box" issue. I just wish that I weren't so emotional sometimes. I think, perhaps, it is my biggest flaw...

On to other issues... My boyfriend's roommate recently got a girl. (A secret relationship that developed from a long-time friendship.) I care deeply for both of them and I love the fact that it's always a party when we're all together... But lately I've just been feeling stuck. After practice this weekend, Girl drove us all back and then decided not to go back to her apartment (where my dormitory is...) So what does this really mean? It means that I could not get a ride back to my room (because it's a hassle for her to have to give me a ride back) and was held captive at my boyfriend's place for a bajillion hours. Ok... I wasn't really held captive, but it sure felt like it. The 3 of them all got into bed to take their post-practice nap, which I usually enjoy... but this time, it felt like I had to take it against my will. I'm the type of person who can't really sleep when I actually want to sleep. So I napped for maybe half an hour... and then lay in bed for another 2 hours.... thinking about how trapped I was... thinking WHY AM I HERE?? To make things worse... seeing boyfriend's roommate and girl together makes me a little uneasy. I'm not sure if it's because they are super unashamed of public displays of affection or because it kind of reminds me of what my boyfriend an I are missing...

I can't imagine life without the boyfriend at this point... but, I must admit, he is the least romantic person in the world. Sometimes, I really question why we even hang out because he just plays video games or watches TV shows that I don't want to watch. Part of me is jealous of the other couple in the apartment. Always happy. Always together. Maybe it's because we've been together longer. I don't even know anymore. I just know that sometimes... I just feel like What am I doing? Am I really Happy? Or am I just being comfortable? ............of course I'm happy. I guess I just wish the romance weren't so dead.

So today I made my 4-year plan. Biz Econ. Accounting Minor. Chinese Minor. It's all good and dandy. But I still don't know what I'm doing with myself. With the economy so bad... maybe being an accountant is the secure path to take... But with already one internship rejection and lack of proficiency in accounting courses, maybe ac

counting isn't even an option for me?

Congrats, if you made it through all of that. I'll be proud of you if you were able to make sense of even half of that...Because I can't be with you on your special day, I just wanted to give you a little piece of my mind. I just want to remind you that best friends aren't afraid to be completely honest with one another. I'm glad your days have been picking up. I love you and, as always, keep it juicy. I'll be wearing purple for you!

— awe·some·ness (noun)

"When you get sad, stop being sad and be awesome instead."

It's just one of those juicy things you need to know. 

The Calm Before the Storm

So it is week 4 here at UCLA and my first midterm is coming up on Wednesday. Instead of studying like a madwoman because I haven't done anything for school since the quarter started, I'm going to take some time to write. The past month has been kind of amazing. Towards the end of break I had my big epiphany, which is, to sum it up, that I don't know what I want. Which may not seem like such a great epiphany... but this realization really affected me. I had one of the happiest days of my life that day... doing absolutely nothing. (Which made me realize further that everyone should have an epiphany once in a while. A frenzy of happiness will result.) I finally noticed just how caught up I was with being the best business woman in the world...and doing everything necessary to keep up with the pack. I completely forgot to think about if it was what I really wanted. I'm not the type that likes to follow the status quo, and I've realized that I've been doing just that this whole past year. All my talk of transcendentalism and being my own person seemed to dissipate without my ever knowing. So I asked myself, "Why exactly am I trying so hard to be an accountant?" I couldn't think of any solid reason. Sure, the pay is good. It seems fun to travel as an auditor. But JULIE?? An ACCOUNTANT?? I think I was just afraid of falling behind. I wanted to find some certainty in this confusing world. The path to being an accountant is pretty straightforward and definite. But is it worth the cost of my happiness? Now, I'm not saying I don't want to be an accountant. I have 2 interviews for summer accounting internships coming up that I plan to kick ass in. I'm just saying that I don't need to solidify anything in my life right now. I want to keep my options open. A little uncertainty is good for everyone. 

This epiphany over break led me to my second epiphany this past weekend. With both my roommates coming home for the weekend, I finally had the whole room to myself. And I cherished EVERY minute of it. I guess everyone just needs some time alone. I played my own music. I watched TV with a blanket and pillow on the floor. I walked around the room wearing nothing but a towel. I turned off the lights when it was time for ME to sleep. And... I finally got around to writing in my journal. 2 things came from writing in my journal. 1: I realized just how much I miss writing. When I was little, I used to write  a bunch of short stories just for fun. Now, writing for Bruin Business Review, though I sometimes write boring articles on how to get financial aid, I recall how much I enjoy writing. So, I have decided to write more, in an attempt to relieve stress, improve my writing abilities, broaden my vocabulary, and further my personal development through self-reflection. 2: Writing is good for self-reflecting. I like self-reflecting. It helped me realize how limited my perspective on life is. I am now determined to know and see as much as possible. I plan on taking a bunch of random classes for no other reason but the fact that they interest me. I'm also thinking about taking more Chinese classes and, possibly, some other foreign languages as well. But MOST importantly. I want to travel. I want to be able to see the world and live on my own and make a difference (even if it's just a small one.) I want to enjoy life.

So basically, the past month has been a blast. I saw Kaba Modern, ate twice my weight at Todai, and brought my Dboat friends back to Diamond Bar. I had loads of fun just screwing around every day and not really worrying about anything. Now, it's time for reality. My midterm awaits.

Happy J Anniversary

To Julie, on our very first concrete anniversary, although we have been celebrating for the past nine years.

Despite my efforts to come up with something amazing to do for you this year, something that would blow the frikken earwax out of your ears, I have decided that the best thing I can give you are my true words. I suppose I have never verbalized what you mean to me because, to me, it's sappy and uncomfortable. But, on this day, I want to put that aside and finally state on the world wide web and to our many fans reading this blog (god knows how many people stalk our blog! but really, how can we blame them?) how much I value you and our friendship. Life's too short to not say exactly what you mean, so here it goes.

Thank you for what we have become and what we will be in the future. You have been more than I could have asked for in a best friend. You're the funniest, happiest, most beautiful, unconventionally caring person I know. Yes, you come with a hint of sass. I am SO proud to introduce you to other people because I know friends like you are hard to find and that NO ONE has a best friend that is even close to the one I have. You have greatly influenced me in my take on life and have helped me become the person that I am. For that, I am grateful beyond words. I have absolutely no doubt that I want you in my life until the end of the end. I am so lucky to have met you, Julie Chen, and thas da truth.

Happy Anniversary!

this is going to be a good year

There's no reason why every year can't be a good year. Life doesn't have to be that hard. Surround yourself with good people and you will have good times. Everything else will work itself out. Don't sweat the small stuff.