My J's 21 Year Celebration!

Dear J,

Congratulations on your 21 years of success! I wish you nothing but happiness on your birthday, so laugh as much as you can, eat as much as you can, and keep it juicy! It has been an honor being your best friend for so long. I always look forward to the opportunities we get to share our lives with each other and, although rare, make me feel complete. You are the bridge between my life in college and home.

Happy Birthday to my J. Keep being happy, ambitious, and funny. Life needs more Julie.

See you soon!

Love,

Jess

Hell Week

I have 2 midterms in 2 days. I am utterly unprepared. Yet all I can think about is all the confusion that surrounds my life. I don't know what I'm doing. I just want to stop thinking... to stop feeling? I have an interview this Saturday for an accounting firm, which will basically make or break my future as an accountant. I really want the internship.... but why?

I am at the point in my life where I am happy.... but am I? I am trying so hard for a career that I despise. I am in a relationship with someone that... I have lost feelings for. I am desperately searching for the ideal... trying to make perfection from my reality.

I want a simple life. Life loses its simplicity when you overthink it. I wish I could stop thinking. I don't know what to do with myself. For the past few days, whenever I start thinking.... I just start crying. Don't get me wrong-- I am enjoying my life right now. Yet, there's still something very unsettling. In my gut. In my heart.

I just want to be happy and make other people happy. Easier said than done.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, MY J.

Hola Julie! So it seems that this semester has been harder than ever to stay in touch. Which is fine, except that I can't not talk to you on your 20th birthday!!! Happy birthday, first off! You as old as me! I know your friends at UCLA are taking good care of you, so you can tell me what you did on your birthday when we see each other next.

Anyways, so I thought I would blog about the biggest thing that has happened to me this semester so that we stay connected about the important stuff. As you probably know, Mr. L passed away about two weeks ago. These past two weeks have been filled with thorough contemplation of what he meant to me so that I live assured that I did not waste my opportunity to learn from him. I want to share these thoughts with you.

In his efforts to get us to reach excellence, Mr. L really taught me how to recognize and appreciate beauty. Over these past years, I have been able to not only appreciate the beauty of quality musical expression (probably because I have learned how hard it truly is to get to that level of musical expression and the emotional investments that go into it), but I see beauty in everyday actions as well. The beauty that lies in watching fellow human beings treat each other with respect, be responsible to each other, and go out of their way to help each other out.

All this time, I thought conditioning students to pick up trash in the band room, stay after rehearsal to put everyone else's uniforms away, or be able to perform all your parts with proficiency was simply a ploy to get a mediocre 6A band to become champions. But I would like to think that all these manipulations to student behavior were, instead, a plan to get mediocre students to become outstanding human beings. Now I realize how beautiful a culture he created among his students to be responsible to each other. To raise students who understand the importance of taking care of their fellow human beings is a tremendous feat in today's world. It's a lesson that not many have the honor of learning.

To me, Mr. L was a man that wasn't afraid of working hard, a man that lived with pride and dignity every second of his life, and a man that never thought, even for a moment, that perfection was an unattainable goal. Thank you, Mr. L, I have learned a lot.

Anyways, I hope to talk to you soon, Julie Chen! Happy Birthday! We'll celebrate when I get back! Miss you!

I don't need this right now.

Who I am is not who I want to be. I advocate transcendentalism. I admire Rousseau, Voltaire. I rave about optimism and always try to make people happy. I like motivating quotes. I like being a romantic, yet I am very realistic. I weigh the costs and benefits of everything. I analyze every little detail, action, word. (This may be the only thing about me that connects me to the accounting/business world.) I think a lot. I think too much. I seem so sure of my beliefs and opinions at times that I forget that I don't carry it out in my everyday life. Or do I? Maybe I am just second-guessing myself because of something that someone said. But that in itself shows a lack of certainty. "You are pessimistic. You are not confident." 

Have I skewed so far away from what I thought I was to have people think this about me?

I'm stubborn. I get jealous easily. I like being comfortable. I reason out everything. I let other people affect me too much. I don't like to be wrong. I don't like being told what to do. I don't like being told who to be. I like my space.

Sometimes I'm too idealistic. Not everything has to be perfect.

I don't need this right now. 

premier jour

Although I was excited to fly to another country (by myself!), I quickly realized how scary it is to travel alone in France -- without knowing any French. This realization came quicker than expected. I was surrounded by French-speaking people, as soon as I got onto the plane. (Who knew Air Tahiti had so many Frenchies!) I felt very alone on the plane ride and didn’t talk to anybody, because I felt like a retard who didn’t understand what anyone was saying. I survived the flight, however, distracting myself with ’17 Again’ and “He’s Just Not That Into You.’

 

The first thing I noticed about France was how questionable their customs/security system is. They let anyone who appears to have a passport into their nation—no questions asked. I was expecting to be interrogated or at least fill out a form, but I was quickly shuffled through into baggage claim. The French people at the airport were kinda rude. Everyone seemed to be very pushy and had no sense of personal space. However, when I got to Paris, everyone seemed to be friendly and helpful. (You know…. Besides those people that harass you for money.) It took me a long time to find my hotel, and I had to lug all my bags for what seemed like a million blocks. Our hotel is very nice though. It is like an apartment, equipped with kitchen and everything. We are about 3 blocks away from Notre Dame and a minute away from crazy shopping and nightlife.

 

I was pretty lonely the first few hours here, because I didn’t know where everyone in my program was… So I explored a bit by myself, and it was exhilarating. I feel so independent being alone in a new place. I went back to the hotel after buying a sandwich and took the best nap of my life. I woke up to my roommate’s arrival. Her name is Kristin and is incredibly cool. We are very similar—or at least compatible. She shares my passion for bike rides, souvenirs, event planning, coffee, and cheap things! (I am proud to say that she may be cheaper than I am.) I’m really glad to have her as a roommate. She speaks a little French, so she helps me order and buy things! Kristin’s only downside is that she doesn’t like junk food (!!!) and she loves country music. There’s an espresso machine in the lobby, and we get a cup every time we pass by. I’ve had 4 coffees already!! Wooooooooooo!

 

We were going to go out to a bar/restaurant tonight (because it looks so fun here…. Live music! Strobe lights! 8 hours of happy hour! Crazy guy in a mask outside telling us to dance!), but we got tired and were just gonna buy wine from the supermarket to celebrate our first night. But that failed, because they stopped selling alcohol at 10:30 PM…. So went back to the hotel and got more coffee!

 

But anyways, even though we didn’t do much today… I love Paris. There is so much going on and I really love the Bohemian lifestyle. The only thing I am bummed about is that I don’t have a VISA or Mastercard. All I have is my lousy Discover and debit card, so I may have to keep exchanging for Euros. I wish I had thought about this more before. Discover is barely accepted in America… why would Europeans take it?? That’s all for now. Tomorrow is our first day of class and I’m excited to meet everyone else. I’m getting hungry…..

I Just Wanted a Sandwich

Looking back on this year, although I am really not in the position to do so yet, as I have taken 0/3 finals, I am grateful for all of the realizations I have made. Today, I am proud to say, presented me with another opportunity to develop and refine my thoughts on life. My past few epiphanies have seriously changed the way I look at things and the way that I want to act and, really, the person that I want to become. So I really cherish these moments.

So back to today, I woke up early, yet again, on a dead day and wasted a potential sleep-filled morning doing reimbursements for the Grants Department. Upon finishing 7-8 reimbursements (i'm a frikkin rockstar at doing those now. If you ever hear of a paperwork competition, Julie, please sign me up.), I decided to walk across the street to Subway and get a $5, a $5, a $5 Footlooong! Spicy Italian sandwich. (Subway marketing at its best there.) So as I near the cashier to pay for my sandwich, I gaze over at the sandwich sliding next to mine ready to be wrapped and decide to take a good look at the person who compiled that too-healthy looking dinky 6'' sub. To my surprise, I realize that I am standing next to Jack Wang, the first real crush I ever had. Immediately, I punch him in the arm (which was pretty muscular, I might add) and yell his name. I haven't seen this guy in close to 4 years! We talk for the couple of minutes it takes for the cashier to get to his station and collect my money. In turns out, as I congratulated him, that Jack was going to graduate in a week and go to UCLA for grad school in mechanical engineering. We exchange goodbyes and I proceed to return to the office. At the precise time I cross the street back to my office, it hits me. A realization about how fluid life is.

I had just seen one of the most influential people of my life. This guy inspired me to become one of the toughest, some might say Nazi-like, leaders in band and to emulate a sense of collected coolness that I have yet to see in anyone else. He was a freaking bad ass, crazy grades, talent in music and sports, funny, and admiringly tough. (He drove himself to the hospital after popping his lung from running too fast!) To this day, I can recall every single reason I had the hugest crush on this guy. Anyways, back to the point. (I seem to have created a small pool of drool on the table. ) It was just so weird to see Jack outside of the environment I associate my memories of him with. I used to see him, literally, every day during rehearsal and weekend competitions and, now, I see him, four years later, at a Subway on the southside of Berkeley. Which made me think, is life just composed of a series of these weird, surreal moments?

I don't know where life will take me, but in a couple of years, when I have grown apart from the people that are so integral to my life now, will I experience the same feeling if I randomly bumped into one of them? I guess what I am really getting at is how crazy life becomes. I mean we grow really close to people that are immediate to us and, for a couple of years, they are the most important thing. But what happens when life takes its course and we grow apart? Are the memories of our prior closeness going to be all that is left? Will it ever be possible that we interact in the EXACT same way? I have, thus, realized how precious my relationships, at this exact time and space, are. Time is fleeting and things are going to change, so I should take advantage and stop holding back.

Today, I just wanted a sandwich and, instead, I got an entire serving of those mind-blowing realizations to go along with it. Not bad for five bucks, huh?

"Nothing great in this world has ever been accomplished without passion."

I've realized that I've neglected this blog for quite a bit of time. My life has been so busy recently that I simply can't remember these little things. My moleskin planner is being overfilled with notes and plans, so I have to insert many post-its to keep my life organized. I'm finally getting to the point where I am taking on too much. Am I suffering? Not in any sense, but for the fact that my grades are taking the hit. And this upsets me.... but I guess grades are NOT the most important thing to me. I like taking part in things that matter. Things that are applicable to the real world. Things that I am passionate about. Of course, I am always going to try hard in school. But, lately, I've just felt so busy with everything...

With Bruin Business Review, Yearbook, Daily Bruin, Dragon Boat, my "side job," and Unicamp. I never get a moment of rest. I miss being bored. I used to be the type of person that ALWAYS has to do something. But now, I just want to relax all the time. Unfortunately, I put my obligations before my school work... which I KNOW.... I shouldn't do. But I just don't like letting people down. People are counting on me to get the job done and to do it well. I guess that's the type of person I really am. 

I just got back from our last race of the year at Paragon Point. And there were so many expectations going into the race. The only SoCal team there. Undefeated season. Last race for the seniors. PERFECT YEAR. In the end we came up short. Our first race of the day just so happened to be the College FINALS. That means, no seeding heats or semifinals to warm us up. No paddling time for a crew that has NEVER practiced together. No time to get used to the different NorCal boats or loosen up our muscles. That race was HORRIBLE. Probably the worst race we've ever done in the history of dragon boat. In the history of racing! We came in 2nd to a high school team (albeit a very GOOD high school team.... but still.) That was it. A very quick and sad end to our "perfect season." But we picked it up for our later races. We were the only crew with girls to make it into the "Men's Finals Race." We were up against some of the biggest guys you could imagine. (With some of the biggest muscles you could imagine.) We came in 3rd, losing by less than half a second. I was happy because it was a very good race. I was proud because when we came off the boat, all the spectators and paddlers watching were so amazed at the fact that we had girls on the boat. That's right. UCLA DRAGON BOAT-- As strong as a boat full of men. There's so much I can say about that day, but I will stop here, before I continue to babble on. It was fun. The emotions, passion, tears, and pain. All the time Dragon Boat takes up? WELL worth it. I just hope that one day I can show you why UCLA Dragon Boat is so special to me. 

As summer is getting closer, I am starting to think about what I'm going to be doing. And what this means for my future. I am going to France in August to take accounting classes. Before and after that I may have a Public Relations internship. I say "may" because I have not informed the company that I will have to miss an additional 2 weeks-- for Unicamp and Summer leadership conferences for Deloitte and Pricewaterhouse Coopers. That's right. I got into the leadership conferences. That means they like me. That means accounting is still an option for me, despite my sub-par grades. That means I need to get my grades up. That means, I need to start thinking if this is something I really want to do. Truthfully, I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself in the future... and it scares me that I'm not as worried as I should be.

Well, when I started this blog, I thought I was going to talk about one thing. Then I just ended up just talking about Dragon Boat. And now I have forgotten what I was originally going to say. I guess I'll just have to blog again soon when it comes to me. I shall blog more frequently from now on. It is difficult to sound as formal and verbose as you though. Your words are not vomit to me. At least you're not the one writing whatever comes into your head. Conclusion from all my rambling? Passion-- nothing is worth doing without it. Even if it may take a while to find it.