dear other half,

it is nearing your day of birth... And to celebrate this momentous occasion, I will blog about more personal matters (and ignore the fact that you NEVER use this thing, despite being so enthusiastic in the beginning!) ...

So, as anyone who truly mattered to me would know, I had a not-so-great-day this past Sunday. Dragon Boat, which sometimes seems to define my life, has a race in a few weeks in Tempe, Arizona. We're only sending one crew, so not everyone is going... With this new Tempe crew comes a new vibe and a new lineup. I got moved to the front of the boat, (aka "the timing box") due to the loss of our more experienced timing box-ers. It was a privilege the first few practices, but it's incredibly intimidating and nerve-wracking because I'm known to have horrible timing and strange technique (which is not ideal for the section of the boat that sets the pace and standard for the rest of the boat). But I worked hard... and I thought I was improving... until this past Sunday, which may have been the WORST practice I've ever had. I was criticized throughout the practice by several people. I got called out for being so off time that I threw off paddlers behind me. It was the worst feeling in the world. Partially because I was so frustrated that I couldn't fix what I was doing. Partially because I felt like I was letting down an entire boat of 20 people. Partially because we have a race in a few weeks and I felt like I shouldn't be a part of it. And I cried. And I cried. I hate that I have so little control over my emotions. I tried to make it so as little people saw me cry as possible. I tried to think of happy thoughts. I thought of Coco, Disneyworld.... but only now do I realize I should have thought about my best friend laughing at me for getting a detention over a missing reader's digest. The problem isn't about paddling anymore. I'm pretty sure I've had a solution to my "timing box" issue. I just wish that I weren't so emotional sometimes. I think, perhaps, it is my biggest flaw...

On to other issues... My boyfriend's roommate recently got a girl. (A secret relationship that developed from a long-time friendship.) I care deeply for both of them and I love the fact that it's always a party when we're all together... But lately I've just been feeling stuck. After practice this weekend, Girl drove us all back and then decided not to go back to her apartment (where my dormitory is...) So what does this really mean? It means that I could not get a ride back to my room (because it's a hassle for her to have to give me a ride back) and was held captive at my boyfriend's place for a bajillion hours. Ok... I wasn't really held captive, but it sure felt like it. The 3 of them all got into bed to take their post-practice nap, which I usually enjoy... but this time, it felt like I had to take it against my will. I'm the type of person who can't really sleep when I actually want to sleep. So I napped for maybe half an hour... and then lay in bed for another 2 hours.... thinking about how trapped I was... thinking WHY AM I HERE?? To make things worse... seeing boyfriend's roommate and girl together makes me a little uneasy. I'm not sure if it's because they are super unashamed of public displays of affection or because it kind of reminds me of what my boyfriend an I are missing...

I can't imagine life without the boyfriend at this point... but, I must admit, he is the least romantic person in the world. Sometimes, I really question why we even hang out because he just plays video games or watches TV shows that I don't want to watch. Part of me is jealous of the other couple in the apartment. Always happy. Always together. Maybe it's because we've been together longer. I don't even know anymore. I just know that sometimes... I just feel like What am I doing? Am I really Happy? Or am I just being comfortable? ............of course I'm happy. I guess I just wish the romance weren't so dead.

So today I made my 4-year plan. Biz Econ. Accounting Minor. Chinese Minor. It's all good and dandy. But I still don't know what I'm doing with myself. With the economy so bad... maybe being an accountant is the secure path to take... But with already one internship rejection and lack of proficiency in accounting courses, maybe ac

counting isn't even an option for me?

Congrats, if you made it through all of that. I'll be proud of you if you were able to make sense of even half of that...Because I can't be with you on your special day, I just wanted to give you a little piece of my mind. I just want to remind you that best friends aren't afraid to be completely honest with one another. I'm glad your days have been picking up. I love you and, as always, keep it juicy. I'll be wearing purple for you!