Innately Foreign

So after trying to re-fall asleep in the loft today at 11:30 this morning (I ran up to the loft with my blankets and locked the door so as to escape Becky's purposefully annoying singing of Chop Suey's infamous 'Wake up! something something make-up' line), I realize that I am 20 years old. SHIEETT! Despite being 20 years old for about two months now, it was not until today that I FULLY realized what being 20 years old entails. (Sidenote: I swear I have some sort of disability when it comes to expressing my thoughts. They are so eloquently woven in my interior monologues, but come out as verbal vomit when I try to tell other people. Another realization I had today. Oy.)

Never before has life seemed to short to me. There are so many things in this world, I realize, that I want to experience, savor, and become, that I want to just get out there and do something. I haven't felt passionate in so long and, in that respect, I don't like what I have become. How did I ever let myself get complacent with a passionless life?!

Perhaps this mode of thinking has been incited by a recent rewatching of Dead Poets Society and the attractiveness of Henry Thoreau's quote, "I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived,"but all I can say for sure is that this feeling is real. I want to live, I want to live, I want to live. That's all I can really say about my dilemma right now and as accurately as I can capture it.

To my future self:

Live passionately, love intensely, and enjoy.

Do It With a Smile

After an intense session of finally facing the reality of being separated from the people that I love, watching invincible relationships slowly torn apart piece by piece, and dealing with the undeniable fact that everyone is hurting for their own reasons, I had a nice cry in the shower and wanted to come back to the blog that helped me so lovingly through the crisis I had last week. Gosh, I seriously need to stop being so dramatic and needy. I promise I'll stop. Tomorrow, though. Let me just have this night.

So our house just had the big "House Meeting" and, needless to say, this week is going to be a tough one. Despite the three midterms I have this week, which I could hardly care for right now, the biggest challenge will be accepting this new reality and be able to still carry out what I have wanted since September, enjoy my second year in college with the people I love. Unfortunately, at this point, I can only see things through a lens of resentment and, actually, a thin film of tear. So where do I go from here?

Today I lied through my teeth. I lied to one of my best friends at Berkeley and told him that our friendship would be the same despite not living together. The thing is, it would be better for him to live with the other group, the living situation would just be better for him. Realistically, though, it's not going to be the same. The relationships are never going to be the same. I don't care what anyone tells me, life happens, things change and sometimes it's just out of your control. So I guess I just let life happen.

There are only 7-8 more weeks of school left in this semester and I really want to be able to enjoy the lucky life that I now realize I have and take hold of the rare opportunity of living with the 11 crazy awesome floormates I started this journey with. This next week I'm gonna learn how to swallow my pride and teach myself to take things for what they are. I'll enjoy the rest of this year, continue making unforgettable college memories, and strengthen the relationships that still belong to me until the end of the semester. No doubt the impending future of separation will constantly be in the back of my mind, everything we do will always have a hint of bittersweetness to it, and my heart will secretly ache everytime we have a great time together. But I'll do it all. I'll do it all willingly, gratefully and, most importantly, I'll do it all with a smile because, at this point, that's all that I can do and all that I really want to do.

Naivety Killed the Cat

So my best friend once told me writing on this blog is therapeutic in times of craziness. So I come to this form of expression out of fear, anxiety, and, most importantly, out of desperation. I don't know what to do, so, dear blog, please work your magic.

I am naive. I am stupidly, mind-numbingly, fucking naïve.

Funny, seeing as though I used to, and still do, pity those who aren't in touch with the world. I suppose I pity myself now, then.

In the midst of an awesome day in Berkeley, I realize that I have been too naive here. I realize that the relationships I have held so dear to my heart here at Berkeley are not what I thought they were. Perhaps it is partly my fault. I shy away from verbalizing the most important things on my mind because it is foreign to me, but now I realize this is the biggest mistake I could make in life.

I guess it was when Nicole told me about the housing situation that it hit me, like my ineptly controlled Mr. Fox character in Super Smash Brothers when I play the computer on level 10. The people I have known so well in college and, dare I say, have become my life at Berkeley do not have me in their plans for the future. MY FLOORMATES from the invincible 6th Floor of Deutsch are making plans without me.

I was naive to think that we didn't hang out this year because of how far we lived from school or because of our commitments to school or because we were bettering ourselves in other ways or because of one of the other million reasons I made up and defended avidly. But the simple truth is here: we just aren't happy together anymore. Why I keep lying to myself, I don't know. It's easier, I suppose. It's easier to think that once Cary doesn't have her Circle K meetings anymore we'll instantaneously resume our friendship where it left off. It's easier to think that if we wanted to, at any moment, we could all be friends like we used to. But life doesn’t work that way. It’s time to wake up and accept that the Matrix is just an illusion.

Naivety killed the cat. I just hope that saying about them having 9 lives is true.

dear other half,

it is nearing your day of birth... And to celebrate this momentous occasion, I will blog about more personal matters (and ignore the fact that you NEVER use this thing, despite being so enthusiastic in the beginning!) ...

So, as anyone who truly mattered to me would know, I had a not-so-great-day this past Sunday. Dragon Boat, which sometimes seems to define my life, has a race in a few weeks in Tempe, Arizona. We're only sending one crew, so not everyone is going... With this new Tempe crew comes a new vibe and a new lineup. I got moved to the front of the boat, (aka "the timing box") due to the loss of our more experienced timing box-ers. It was a privilege the first few practices, but it's incredibly intimidating and nerve-wracking because I'm known to have horrible timing and strange technique (which is not ideal for the section of the boat that sets the pace and standard for the rest of the boat). But I worked hard... and I thought I was improving... until this past Sunday, which may have been the WORST practice I've ever had. I was criticized throughout the practice by several people. I got called out for being so off time that I threw off paddlers behind me. It was the worst feeling in the world. Partially because I was so frustrated that I couldn't fix what I was doing. Partially because I felt like I was letting down an entire boat of 20 people. Partially because we have a race in a few weeks and I felt like I shouldn't be a part of it. And I cried. And I cried. I hate that I have so little control over my emotions. I tried to make it so as little people saw me cry as possible. I tried to think of happy thoughts. I thought of Coco, Disneyworld.... but only now do I realize I should have thought about my best friend laughing at me for getting a detention over a missing reader's digest. The problem isn't about paddling anymore. I'm pretty sure I've had a solution to my "timing box" issue. I just wish that I weren't so emotional sometimes. I think, perhaps, it is my biggest flaw...

On to other issues... My boyfriend's roommate recently got a girl. (A secret relationship that developed from a long-time friendship.) I care deeply for both of them and I love the fact that it's always a party when we're all together... But lately I've just been feeling stuck. After practice this weekend, Girl drove us all back and then decided not to go back to her apartment (where my dormitory is...) So what does this really mean? It means that I could not get a ride back to my room (because it's a hassle for her to have to give me a ride back) and was held captive at my boyfriend's place for a bajillion hours. Ok... I wasn't really held captive, but it sure felt like it. The 3 of them all got into bed to take their post-practice nap, which I usually enjoy... but this time, it felt like I had to take it against my will. I'm the type of person who can't really sleep when I actually want to sleep. So I napped for maybe half an hour... and then lay in bed for another 2 hours.... thinking about how trapped I was... thinking WHY AM I HERE?? To make things worse... seeing boyfriend's roommate and girl together makes me a little uneasy. I'm not sure if it's because they are super unashamed of public displays of affection or because it kind of reminds me of what my boyfriend an I are missing...

I can't imagine life without the boyfriend at this point... but, I must admit, he is the least romantic person in the world. Sometimes, I really question why we even hang out because he just plays video games or watches TV shows that I don't want to watch. Part of me is jealous of the other couple in the apartment. Always happy. Always together. Maybe it's because we've been together longer. I don't even know anymore. I just know that sometimes... I just feel like What am I doing? Am I really Happy? Or am I just being comfortable? ............of course I'm happy. I guess I just wish the romance weren't so dead.

So today I made my 4-year plan. Biz Econ. Accounting Minor. Chinese Minor. It's all good and dandy. But I still don't know what I'm doing with myself. With the economy so bad... maybe being an accountant is the secure path to take... But with already one internship rejection and lack of proficiency in accounting courses, maybe ac

counting isn't even an option for me?

Congrats, if you made it through all of that. I'll be proud of you if you were able to make sense of even half of that...Because I can't be with you on your special day, I just wanted to give you a little piece of my mind. I just want to remind you that best friends aren't afraid to be completely honest with one another. I'm glad your days have been picking up. I love you and, as always, keep it juicy. I'll be wearing purple for you!

— awe·some·ness (noun)

"When you get sad, stop being sad and be awesome instead."

It's just one of those juicy things you need to know. 

The Calm Before the Storm

So it is week 4 here at UCLA and my first midterm is coming up on Wednesday. Instead of studying like a madwoman because I haven't done anything for school since the quarter started, I'm going to take some time to write. The past month has been kind of amazing. Towards the end of break I had my big epiphany, which is, to sum it up, that I don't know what I want. Which may not seem like such a great epiphany... but this realization really affected me. I had one of the happiest days of my life that day... doing absolutely nothing. (Which made me realize further that everyone should have an epiphany once in a while. A frenzy of happiness will result.) I finally noticed just how caught up I was with being the best business woman in the world...and doing everything necessary to keep up with the pack. I completely forgot to think about if it was what I really wanted. I'm not the type that likes to follow the status quo, and I've realized that I've been doing just that this whole past year. All my talk of transcendentalism and being my own person seemed to dissipate without my ever knowing. So I asked myself, "Why exactly am I trying so hard to be an accountant?" I couldn't think of any solid reason. Sure, the pay is good. It seems fun to travel as an auditor. But JULIE?? An ACCOUNTANT?? I think I was just afraid of falling behind. I wanted to find some certainty in this confusing world. The path to being an accountant is pretty straightforward and definite. But is it worth the cost of my happiness? Now, I'm not saying I don't want to be an accountant. I have 2 interviews for summer accounting internships coming up that I plan to kick ass in. I'm just saying that I don't need to solidify anything in my life right now. I want to keep my options open. A little uncertainty is good for everyone. 

This epiphany over break led me to my second epiphany this past weekend. With both my roommates coming home for the weekend, I finally had the whole room to myself. And I cherished EVERY minute of it. I guess everyone just needs some time alone. I played my own music. I watched TV with a blanket and pillow on the floor. I walked around the room wearing nothing but a towel. I turned off the lights when it was time for ME to sleep. And... I finally got around to writing in my journal. 2 things came from writing in my journal. 1: I realized just how much I miss writing. When I was little, I used to write  a bunch of short stories just for fun. Now, writing for Bruin Business Review, though I sometimes write boring articles on how to get financial aid, I recall how much I enjoy writing. So, I have decided to write more, in an attempt to relieve stress, improve my writing abilities, broaden my vocabulary, and further my personal development through self-reflection. 2: Writing is good for self-reflecting. I like self-reflecting. It helped me realize how limited my perspective on life is. I am now determined to know and see as much as possible. I plan on taking a bunch of random classes for no other reason but the fact that they interest me. I'm also thinking about taking more Chinese classes and, possibly, some other foreign languages as well. But MOST importantly. I want to travel. I want to be able to see the world and live on my own and make a difference (even if it's just a small one.) I want to enjoy life.

So basically, the past month has been a blast. I saw Kaba Modern, ate twice my weight at Todai, and brought my Dboat friends back to Diamond Bar. I had loads of fun just screwing around every day and not really worrying about anything. Now, it's time for reality. My midterm awaits.

Happy J Anniversary

To Julie, on our very first concrete anniversary, although we have been celebrating for the past nine years.

Despite my efforts to come up with something amazing to do for you this year, something that would blow the frikken earwax out of your ears, I have decided that the best thing I can give you are my true words. I suppose I have never verbalized what you mean to me because, to me, it's sappy and uncomfortable. But, on this day, I want to put that aside and finally state on the world wide web and to our many fans reading this blog (god knows how many people stalk our blog! but really, how can we blame them?) how much I value you and our friendship. Life's too short to not say exactly what you mean, so here it goes.

Thank you for what we have become and what we will be in the future. You have been more than I could have asked for in a best friend. You're the funniest, happiest, most beautiful, unconventionally caring person I know. Yes, you come with a hint of sass. I am SO proud to introduce you to other people because I know friends like you are hard to find and that NO ONE has a best friend that is even close to the one I have. You have greatly influenced me in my take on life and have helped me become the person that I am. For that, I am grateful beyond words. I have absolutely no doubt that I want you in my life until the end of the end. I am so lucky to have met you, Julie Chen, and thas da truth.

Happy Anniversary!